If you have never had to have surgery, you will not know how bizarre the experience of having anaesthetic course through your body feels like. It’s like liquid ice invading every vessel of your body. It’s chilling to say the least. Let me rewind a little.

In the run up to my operation, naturally I prayed for its success and total recovery. And then gradually,  I added to my prayer. If I died on the operating table, I wouldn’t be subjected to his abuse any longer. It would be the perfect way to die, I’d slip away and not be aware of anything. It would be like dying in my sleep; painless, no drama. So I told God that if he wanted to minus me from the planet, that would be fine with me. I made my peace with Him.

That morning, all I said to God was “remember it’s ok with me. Ok?” Somehow my then husband managed to make it to the hospital early enough to be with me before being taken into theatre. He was being quite sweet, but as he made small talk with me, one phrase kept going round and round in my head “It would be so great if I didn’t have to come back to you”.

I understand now why people opt to take their own life. If you’re dead, you can’t feel pain. Those of us who know the Lord mustn’t worry like those who have no hope. Christ says bring your burdens to me and I will make them light. He will strengthen in our time of need (Isaiah 41:10). Whatever we are going through, He’s right there with us (Isaiah 43:2). He is the loving Shepherd tending to our needs and keeping us safe (Psalm 23:1-3). Cast your cares on Him, He really cares! (1 Peter 5:6-7)

If your heart is broken, you’ll find God right there; if you’re kicked in the gut, he’ll help you catch your breath. Psalms 34: 18 & 19

The Message Bible

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