I love music! It’s among the best gifts God has given to mankind. I enjoy listening to gospel, r’n’b, reggae, jazz, lovers and Motown. I even have a few playlists on YouTube so that I can have my favourite songs to hand. I also sing. The first time I sang in public I was about ten or eleven. My siblings and I were absolutely mortified because mum made us wear angel costumes as we sang ‘Angel Band’ by Charley Pride . . . in church! That was the start of singing gospel. My brother sang lead or tenor and my sister’s and I sang alto and soprano. Picking out the harmonies came naturally to us. We all sang but none of us played any instrument, so a cappella was our thing. I have a longstanding relationship with music and as such, many songs trigger recollections of the past.

The other day I was listening to my ‘break ups’ playlist. No I have not broken up with anyone, I just think the music is great! ☺. I listen to this playlist as much as any other. The pain of separation and divorce is long gone so its easy to sing along to these songs. Even though break up songs inevitably trigger memories, the don’t come with tears. This particular playlist contains songs by Rhianna, Adele, Beyonce, Duffy, Lemar to name a few, even Glee the tv show. I can’t say which is my favourite since they are equally sad but beautifully sung.

Oh it tears me up
I try to hold on,
But it hurts too much
I try to forgive,
But it’s not enough to make it all okay,                                           

You can’t play on broken strings
You can’t feel anything that your heart don’t want to feel
I can’t tell you something that ain’t real”                                 

‘Broken Strings’ by James Morrison

I remember hoping that every tomorrow would be better, that every  prayer for a change in his narcissistic behaviour would be answered. It often felt like I had a box of forgiveness tokens that I just freely handed out, never even really bothering to listen to the end of the apology simply because I realised that the remorse wasn’t genuine. It had become a meaningless ritual with no real conviction behind it. You allow your heart to get numb because its easier than allowing it to deal with raw pain. Then you find yourself lying and replying “I love you too” when you don’t have anymore feelings. It easier to say this than to say what’s really in your heart to say, to explain all the anguish. Emotionally you have been deprived for so long and so deeply that you can’t survive. If you stop watering a plant it will die. Period.

Listen to the song here in my heart
A melody I start but I will complete
Oh, now I’m done believing you
You don’t know what I’m feeling I’m more than what you made of me
I followed the voice you think you gave to me
But now I’ve gotta find my own, my own.                                  

Listen by Beyoncé Knowles

The few times when I did sing in the house I was shut down. He made fun of me whilst trying to explain that he was only kidding and that I was too sensitive. Mr Impatient said my singing sounded like a joyful ‘noise’. Eventually he made it quite clear that he didn’t want me to sing and that he didn’t like my taste in music. I only sang or played my music when he wasn’t at home. Effectively, he silenced my voice in all the ways which were important to me. He had no time for my opinions, conversation or ideas especially as it related to our marriage and future. Being silenced makes you feel incredibly invisible, like you don’t exist. Reconnecting with your voice and using it freely again is an awesome blessing!

You know I used to paint such vibrant dreams

Now I’m colorblind, colorblind

When did my heart get so full of never mind, never mind

Did you know that you stole the only thing I needed

Always black and white in my eyes

I’m colorblind

Colourblind by Emeli Sande

When you are privileged to find someone who colours your world, it is indeed a blessing. Because of our humaness we will still have grey rainy days and sometimes those grey skies are self-inflicted, inflicted on us by our significant other or simply the curve balls of life. However, how reassuring to know that you both continue to share an umbrella when the grey rainy days come? Some have to stand alone in the deluge by themself. Sometimes the other person leaves, sometimes we leave. Perhaps, regardless of who leaves separation is a hard pill to swallow. To feel loved is to be empowered for lifes long journey. It is disorienting to be thrown from colour and thrust into black and white. We were created to receive and give colour in our lives and that of others.

Christ is the healer of broken hearts! He can and will mend any broken heart when it is brought to him. Stepping out after being hurt can feel intimidating but don’t let the past determine your future. If God has a blessing for you in the form of an umbrella holder don’t turn them away. God’s blessings are His perfect will for us. Why miss out on that?

If your heart is broken, you’ll find God right there;

if you’re kicked in the gut, he’ll help you catch your breath.

The Message Bible

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