The month had ended and a new one had begun. This was it, I had to be pregnant! I could barely contain my excitement. The next step was to buy a pregnancy test, in the meantime it was going to be a closely guarded secret.
On one particular morning, I was out doing my usual early morning brisk walk. The moon was out which added to my exuberance. I spoke to my unborn child. I told them how much love was in my heart for them, in fact it was overflowing though we had never met. I spoke of how I would protect them until my dying day. I expressed how I intended to make each and every day count, we would create numerous memories. I confessed that though I was only human I was going to be the best mum that I could be. I shared the things I loved about life and how I knew we would enjoy gazing at the moon together. I revealed that I was excited to share with daddy the good news of their existence. I knew he’d be as excited as I was to meet them in the months to come.
Later that week I rushed into town on my lunch break to purchase a pregnancy test. The rest of the day had much more hours than it should of had. Why does time drag when you need it to fly? I had to force myself to pay attention to my husband as we drove home, thoughts of the positive result of the pregnancy test had me daydreaming all day. My concentration skills were way below zero. I resisted the urge to run to the toilet as we entered the house. As soon as he was distracted, I grabbed the test from my handbag and went to the toilet. I hurriedly read the instruction then took a deep breath and read them again. I didn’t want to make any mistakes! I purposely made myself sing a song to slow myself down. My heart was thumping too loudly with titillation, I really needed to just calm down. I shook my head in self-bemusement and stretched down to the ground to pick up the test.
Then everything stopped. It was negative. How could I not be pregnant? My period was at least two weeks late, this didn’t make sense. He must have noticed my bewildered look as I came out of the bathroom because he asked me what was wrong. I walked towards him, with the pregnancy test outstretched in my hand, “My period is two weeks late but this says I’m not pregnant. I don’t understand what’s wrong” I cried as I rested my head on his chest. He sidestepped me and walked away without saying a word. I still don’t know which hurt more; the negative pregnancy test or his total emotional detachment in that moment when I needed, not wanted, but needed his emotional support.
“Don’t you care?” I wailed through my tears.
“Well I don’t understand why you’re crying. It will happen when it’s meant to happen. There is no need for all this crying.”
I felt nothing, I was numb. I turned to the kitchen to start supper. Emotional abuse is also a situation where appropriate emotion is void or absent when it should be shared and supported towards another individual. He didn’t have the capacity to support my emotional needs. The gravity of the mistake of my marriage was beginning to sink in.
Numbness was easier to deal with than my anger. The mood is low, non-responsive. The moment gets filed away without any reaction. It’s downplayed almost to the point where you question if it ever really happened. You dust yourself off and continue the day. Just like that your mind creates coping mechanisms to help you deal with inconceivable reality that is now your life. I know God was making sure that I didn’t self-destruct.
God is a safe place to hide, ready to help when we need him. We stand fearless at the cliff edge of doom, courageous in seashore and earthquake, before the rush and roar of oceans, the tremors that shift mountains . . . Psalm 46: 1-3.The Message Bible