God gave mankind the uncanny ability to adapt; we graduated from walking great distances to car and air travel, worship in churches to fellowship via zoom. We, humanity also have a habit of adapting in negative ways. When life overwhelms us we slump to alcohol, drugs, money and an innumerable set of vices.
I didn’t have or want the luxury of zoning out. I had a job to do. Everyday I went to work, primarily because I liked what I did. I had been at my job long enough before I met him. The secondary reason was that I needed to be at work. Filling my day with responsibility meant there wasn’t time to ponder and think about myself. Meeting the regular familiar faces helped regulate my emotions and set my focus for the day. The thing is even if you enjoy your job, when the work day ends you’re probably happy to be heading home but I resented home time because I could never be sure what mood he’d be in when he picked me up. Like clockwork anxiety began around 3:30. I had to call to find out if I was being picked up. Depending on the type of mileage he covered during any given day, he may not have been available to take me home, yet I had to call to find out. To not call and just head home resulted in a 95% probability of an argument happening. Pick your battles. I liked going home by bus, I could marinate my senses with the ever constant serenity of green all the way to the house.
More often than not, I had the pleasure of his company 😞. If his mood was surly I craved for bedtime to come. The primary purpose of sleep is rejuvenation of the human body. In the abusive relationship it becomes much more than that. Sleep is an unconscious state of the body and mind. Being unconscious means you don’t have to think. If you can’t think, you won’t feel pain. Those who turn to drugs, alcohol, sex, gambling or whatever other perversion tickles their fancy do so to dull their pain. You get tired of hurting and at some point you do something to make it stop. When my head hit the pillow at nights, I was so grateful that at last my pain would stop even if only for a few hours. The rowdy myriad of thoughts, softly quieted. The pounding thud of ugly words drifted away. The pain of the day would ebb away giving way to a painless slumber. Take solace in The Almighty. Come to him with your pained troubled soul. Let Him comfort you. The Lord is nigh unto them that are of a broken heart; and saveth such as be of a contrite spirit, Psalms 34:18 The Message Bible.