I will not answer, I will not answer, I will hold my tongue! I repeated this over and over until he had said all that was in his heart to say. His tirades were always caustic but I was getting used to them. The things he said were untrue and distorted, but holding my tongue was more painful. I had become his equal in the ring. Round after round I retorted his sarcasm. It felt good to no longer be the one always being knocked out on the ground. But this wasn’t me. Afterwards I would cringe at the loathsome statements I had made. I would apologise, but you can’t take back what has already been said. I was always apologising because now, I was always contending. I was a champion in the ring but I detested who I had become. Punch or be punched. I had dishonoured my name and character. I couldn’t stop him from taking jabs at me, but I could withdraw from the match.
The pathfinder pledge says to ‘keep a song in my heart.’ I searched my hymnal for songs about peace, trust and strength.
Be still my soul: the Lord is on thy side;
Bear patiently the cross of grief or pain;
Leave to thy God to order and provide;
In every change He faithful will remain.
Be still my soul: thy best, thy heavenly friend
Through thorny ways leads to a joyful end.Catharina von Schlegel
I didn’t need to fight. I just needed to be still and recognise the awesomeness of my powerful God! I just had to be patient with this cross I carried. My cross was unbearably heavy but I had to endure because He would keep me company and even carry me when it was too heavy. My best friend would lead me through the thorny path I had taken.
The next time he sprinted into the ring, I felt at peace. I entered and lay on the floor. As the tears flowed I sang louder and louder in my heart until it’s beauty brought tranquillity to my soul. I could no longer hear his words. I had won. God gave me victory. ‘He has put a new song in my mouth, even praise to our God; many will see it, and fear, and will trust in the Lord Psalm 40:3 Modern English Version.